4 weeks, 29 days... something new, fun, and stress-free

This will have to be quite quick because I have to get ready for work! LOL. But I turn 30 in four exact weeks from yesterday! So before October 11, 2011, I have decided that each day of the week for the four weeks, I will do something new! It doesn't have to be big or small, it doesn't "have" to be anything... except something I've never done. I thought this might be a really fun way to end my 20's and start my 30's. I have a feeling that my 30's are going to be my best decade, but sometimes doubt creeps in and I start to freak that I'm over the hill, un-married, etc. haha. SO, in order to live life to the fullest, have a blast, and keep positive... I thought this would be fun! I will log about each of the days, when I can, and will keep a picture/video documentary. Love you all, so excited... I already started yesterday and did something today! Much Love, Tanya.

Lonely in SLC

Well. I'm in Salt Lake City now. As the newness of the place and the excitement wears off, I wonder what the heck I have done. Now don't get me wrong, I do like it here in many ways, but I'm so confused and worried about the future and about.... everything.

My initial plans and reasons for wanting to move, etc were based upon a promise from a boss, who ended up quitting two weeks after I re-joined the company... so immediately I lost my plan and immediate dream. That must be for some divine reason, because that just stinks. Seriously. So now I've jumped around from store to store, and here I am in SLC, lonely, in limbo, and scared. Scared isn't a word I use readily, it's not something I feel often... but who wouldn't be when I have no idea what I am doing necessarily? I want a masters in business and that's all I know. Now how to get there... and once there, then what do I exactly want to be? A District Manager in Retail? A more corporate type of avenue? I'm not sure. It's all so "scary." (I just hate that word).

My one and only request of life right now, is to give me some people to fill my life with. People who are uplifting, positive, hardworking, kind, and spiritual. You would think, me still being in Utah, that I would find others with my beliefs to be around and hang out with... but I'm having a hard time finding that. I must be looking in the wrong places. I pray that I will find where to look, because my life her is quickly becoming depressing. I'm really ready for that not to be the case.

Here's to hoping that I will find uplifting friends to keep on a good path, or, here's hoping... to an even better one!

The Truth as I See It: Double Standards in our Culture

"double standard–noun1.any code or set of principles containing different provisions for one group of people than for another, esp. an unwritten code of behavior permitting men more freedom than women."

I have to get it off my chest, I am TIRED of the double-standard in our Culture. EVERYWHERE I look it seems okay for many guys to be lazy, overweight, slothful, video game-playing, tv watching, fast food eating, no-goals setting, lame-o's. And what do these guys want? Beautiful, smart, talented, thin, fit, goal-keeping models. Not to mention that these models should be good wives, good mothers, loving, kind, hard-working, and oh don't forget that they should give the guys sex when they want it (hopefully in marriage, but these days even that is unlikely). But yet the guys are... what? Ok to be out of shape, watching sports on tv all day? Or whatever another circumstance may be?

Now, don't get me wrong... I have been a lover of fast food and video games at times too.... But the point here isn't about what you love in that way, it's the fact that IF YOU ARE NOT UP TO PAR... THEN QUIT ACTING LIKE YOU DESERVE A FANTASTIC WOMAN!!!! WHY IN THE WORLD do guys always think that they deserve BETTER than they are?? And they "always" do that. They always seem to want this perfect woman, but yet they don't have to do anything. It makes me sick to experience how many nasty guys wanted to date me when I was thin and working out everyday; they actually thought that they deserved someone like me, even though they didn't take care of themselves. I don't think I can stand the double-standard anymore. When I gained some weight (and of course because of some stupid depression from falling in love to a womanizer. I regret letting go even a little due to being fooled), then these same overweight (way more than me), moderate, going no-where guys didn't seem interested in me anymore. I didn't care, but still thought... WHAT? Because WHY? I'm not a size four anymore? What about YOU, how is it okay that you are fat, non ambitious guys? What makes you actually think you are worth someone like me, even though I'm now bigger than a size four??

Here's an example... I dated a guy who couldn't find a job after graduation, complained about it everyday, didn't want to actually act on any of his options, had a slightly large belly, stayed home watching tv everyday, was always tired, even though he did nothing but sit around all day. Yet I was going to school, working full time as a manager in retail, and conducting a band for BYU. When I would come over to his place after a 12 hour day, HE was the one too tired to take me out, to talk to me, etc etc. And now that I think about it, the only thing he ever really had energy for was to "make-out" or whatever. Sigh. See, only with me being who I was then was I "good enough" in his mind for him. Because I was good looking, hard working, seemingly smart, etc etc. Yet he did nothing all day and was always tired, with no ambitions. I KNOW for a fact, that if things were reversed that he would dump me flat, never even think of me, and act like I wasn't good enough for him. Generally I find that this is the stereotypical thinking of our generation. That men deserve these power-house, trophy looking, amazing women (not saying that this is me, just the stereotype), while they sit at home, watching tv, feeling like the MAN because of what girl he gets to date. How about feeling good about yourself because YOU have these qualities, not because your woman does? Needless to say, I finally figured out that I would never be happy with a man like that and let him go. WHY in the world did I even consider it? I really think it's because of the brain washing of our culture. The voice that tells a woman that just because she is attractive to men, that's all see needs from them... attention. That is NOT what a woman should feel like she deserves. I'm sorry, but we deserve the same things. We deserve an ambitious, goal oriented, hard-working, loves us forever, kind of guy. Not just a guy who throws us a couple of lines and gives us attention. I will forever scream to the world that that will NEVER be me. NEVER again, and I hope that it would never be another woman.... we'll have to work on it.

This is what guys don't get, they probably should be scared of the world to come, because pretty soon, women are going to expect men to shape up. I already know that one woman already expects that. Me. So... in a/my perfect world, the guy will not be fat, wanting the perfect trophy on his arm. (But HEY, if you are a trophy MAN, then heck! Go for the trophy woman, it's only fair). Guys, the perfect world would be one where the woman wouldn't have to suffer with your disgusting body, while you expect us to be skinny, perfect, and big-boobed. Oh and don't forget to add that lately it is also now expected to have the perfect butt. If you are a guy who expects that, then you sure as day better have abs, hard as a rock butt, muscles for days, and a other big things. If we are expected to be gorgeous, then you better be too. Sigh. It makes me sick how many guys have double-standards in so many ways. It's pathetic. And until the time when I can find a guy who actually has what it takes to be a REAL MAN, I will stay single and happy. I will not be okay with the American double standard. I say, "Get with it, or women everywhere will wake up and will pass you up!!!" And to the women, may we all stop settling for these men. May we stop pretending like it's okay for the status-quo to be for the man to be some overweight slob, while we have to get tucks and lifts and implants to be "hot" for the not-so-hot man.

To end, I want to be clear. I have no bias towards fat, thin, blah blah blah. That is NOT what this is about. But it IS about being equally seen and equally heard. Please, people everywhere, whatever the sex... quit acting like it is ok for you to be imperfect while you look for something that you don't deserve. BE who you deserve and realize what you deserve, then maybe people everywhere will feel desired and equally yoked.

(And as an addendum - for the record I do LOVE men and I could write many other blogs about some amazing things about men and not-so-greats about women. This is just one blog and one thing I have to get out in the air).

BUCKETLIST for before I'm 30 and HOW? 'Cause I'm SINGLE!

Well, here's the deal - most of my closest friends are dating or are married. I however am not. This is it - I'm not a female that is going to sit around bemoaning my fate, wondering what is wrong with me. The thing is... NOTHING is wrong. Everything is great and honestly, I think I'm finally finding out what life is all about.

So as my friends post picture after picture of their babies and husbands, blogs about families and anniversaries, engagements, etc etc... I figured HEY being single is awesome too! I'm honestly kinda sick of LDS society focusing on how people who are married are happy and awesome - and many people act like those are single are "oh those POOR, sad, lonely single people." UH - NO. I say to all you single women out there - there is life to be had other than sitting at home wondering what to do because we're not married! LET'S GO. We have the ability to GO and do ANYthing and BE ANYTHING, why in the world do we care if we're still single?? HELLO, I'm 28 - not 70 or something, I have a life. lol.

Here's the crux of my blog. I am now going to SHOUT as to why single life is so freakin' awesome and am going to change this viewpoint of the "Sad, lonely, single" female. Being married and having babies is not the only thing that is awesome in life. I am going to figure out things to do with my fabulous single self. So... without further ado - here is my bucket list for before I'm 30! Things I can do (anytime I want) because I am SINGLE, free, happy, young, and have the rest of my life to get married! :):):)

Before I'm 30 I will/my Bucketlist:

* Graduate from college in Music Education having: Been Drum Major of the Band for 4 years, conducted and directed a BYU basketball band, been in 3 Relief Society Presidencies, been the President of my Living hall, manager for two different retailers, lost 65 pounds, became a runner, etc etc.

* Sky Dive
* Become Scuba Certified
* Learn how to play Guitar and Piano
* Run at least a half-marathon
* Reach my goal weight
* Learn how to snow board
* Become a boxer
* Visit all of the temples in Utah
* Peruse at least 10 museums that I have never been to
* Hike to the top of 5 new mountains (not ones that I have already done)
* Go to Disneyland (Since I've only been to Disney WORLD a billion times)
* Ride the largest rollercoaster in the United States
*Become a tri-athlete

And all this before I'm 30! And I can... why? Because I'M SINGLE! BOO-YAH! ;)

I want to add to this list as well. So if any of you (marrieds or non-marrieds ;)) have any suggestions of what I can add to this, then let me know!

I'm excited for the life that I can live in anyway that I would like, being grateful to this beautiful, free country in which we live!

"You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights."
-Dr. Seuss

The beginning

I have been begged, told, and pleaded to by many of my Elders to keep a remembrance of my life. I have been told by countless family members, friends, and associates to write down what I feel, have learned, or continue to think about. For their sake, the sake of my posterity, or maybe just to be plain selfish (to remember and reflect my own findings), I have decided to write this blog.

I tried to think of a lot of different names to identify with. Many of them were thoughts of titling this blog after the hardships of my life and the saying that has constistently gotten me through it, "blue skies," with the meaning coming from one of my favorite jazz charts. The basic understanding is that blue skies are shining at me... no matter what I'm going through, there's a blue sky after the storm.

Even though that would definitely be a great idea for my blog, I felt that that might be a little too much of my old life. My old life was one filled with self pity, sadness, depression, and fear. That ended for me just under a week ago. I have always been an analytical, deep, and internal thinker, and all of my thoughts and impressions came to what I call my aHA! moments, or moments of clarity. By biggest moment of clarity was just this past Friday. It came at the perfect time, a time when I needed the most support. I realized after this personal aHA! moment who I was, how I should think, and most importantly came to understand that I was a daughter of a Heavenly Father who most definitely knew and loved me. It's a long story as to why I was doubting that, or what has happened to me over the past 27 years. A part of that past might come up, but I'm more intersested in the now and in the future. I'm interested in how I act based upon the knowledge I have gained and the person that I have become.

And so, here we are. My newest idea and most interesting one to date is labeling this blog "The many Adventures of Tan-Tan." Even knowing that I am stealing the title from Winnie the Pooh, of all things, I still find it to be a perfect title. I'm interested in the adventure I will now make of my life. I'm interested in the fact that I'm going to take each day as a new opportunity to start LIVING and to DO something. I'm interested in taking what I can from the learning of the past and then letting it go. I'm interested in finding my place in this world and in doing good for all mankind. I'm interested in living each day in such a way that I can go to bed and know that I've done all that I could. I want to wake each day to have the creators of evil scared and upset that I am awake again. I want to be healthy, strong, happy, reliable, and stable. I want to be a better daughter, friend, associate, teacher, and mentor.

In short, I want to live up to my potential. Which means that with each day I need to push myself more and more, because as Lance Armstrong says, "We are much better than we know...we have unrealized capaticities." I know this to be true and I welcome anything that helps me to realize the unrealized.